The Dangers of FakeBake
(Version 2)
By Joe Fawley
ACT 1: The Mission
​
EXT. FAKEBAKE'S SYNTHETIC PROCESSING PLANT- NIGHT
Thick clouds of smoke emit from a lifeless factory, pouring into the night sky.
Security cameras survey the premises.
A masked hero, known as Stonerman, walks along yellow grass and wilted flowers.
Tonight, he embarks on an infiltration mission...
​
ROGER (V.O)
(From Stonerman's Earpiece. Continuous.)
See anything?
​
STONERMAN
Nah. Just factory stuff.
​
ROGER (V.O)
You positive I shouldn't call in Bud Buddy or maybe Apollo?
​
STONERMAN
I'll be fine. Fakebake might be a powerful businessman, but he's not the dankest bud of the bunch. This is what? Our third time busting him in the last two years?
​
Stonerman retrieves a pair of scientifically enhanced binoculars from his utility belt.
The readout shows twenty-four hostiles, zero friendlies, and heavy raccoon activity.
​
ROGER
Fourth, actually. If you count the time he bought out the girl scouts, held them ransom, and tripled the tax for all cookie related goods. Which as you'd expect, led to Bud Buddy putting Fakebake's ass through the grinder... figuratively speaking.
​
STONERMAN
Yeah, I'd forsure count that. The most annoying part is every time Fakebake gets caught, he immediately rebuilds his old company using a new shady name. And nobody notices even though it's painfully obvious what he's up to!
​
ROGER (V.O)
Trying to sell his synthetic marijuana right under the FDA's nose. Changing the chemical properties ever so slightly, labeling it as “not fit for human consumption,” allowing it to be sold to an unsuspecting public. Who are unaware of the fact that the fake weed is much more dangerous than natural ganja. But hey, since it's “legal.”
​
Moving as silently as a dab falling to the carpet, Stonerman exits the bushes.
He makes his way along a fence that reads, "Warning. Electrified. Keep away."
​
ROGER (V.O)
At least his predictability makes it easy for us. This time we'll catch him before he even has a chance to make it to market...
(Chuckles)
Listen to some of these shell companies, “TH-Co” aka “'Totally' Hemp Corporation,” “Legit Good-Good,” “Shady Buddah,” and it looks like he once even owned an off brand of “Ritz Crackers.” Ritz smokeables division, “Snickelfritz Inc.”
​
Stonerman's muscular build starts to fade away.
​
STONERMAN
I'm starting to come down. I have to move in.
​
Stonerman nonchalantly climbs over the electrified fence. The electricity bounces off of his skin, harming him as much as a splash of water.
​
ROGER (V.O)
You brought your bowl, right?
​
STONERMAN
Never leave the fort without it.
​
ROGER
After our last rendezvous, FakeBake has invested more money in beefing up his security. Be careful, Stonerman.
​
STONERMAN
Roger, Roger.
​
An Emotionally Secure Security Guard patrols the perimeter.
He checks his watch.
​
EMOTIONALLY SECURE SECURITY GUARD
Ah. Five point five seconds until retirement.
​
The Emotionally Secure Security Guard looks fondly at the building he has protected for all this time.
Crouched, glued to the shadows like sticky icky, Stonerman turns around the corner.
Slowly and silently, he paces toward the armed guard, who stands in an emotional gaze, completely unaware of his surroundings.
...SNAP...
Stonerman steps on a twig, making a loud CRUNCH sound.
The Emotionally Secure Guard snaps out of the first emotionally driven distraction of his career, stunned.
​
STONERMAN
Screw stealth.
​
Stonerman punches the startled Security Guard. Knocking his lights out til' next Tuesday.
​
ROGER (V.O.)
Smooth. So many Metal Gear all nighter, “training sessions” gone to shit... Revert to the last checkpoint!
​
STONERMAN
(Chuckles)
Dude, I always forget that you can see everything that I can... Kinda creeps me out sometimes.
​
ROGER (V.O.)
Creepy for you, maybe, but on my end it kinda feels more like I’m playing a video game. Besides, how many times has my A.S.E. (All Seeing Eye) protocol saved your ass? By my count, its at least in the double digits.
​
Stonerman drags the unconscious security guard into the tall grass.
​
STONERMAN
I hope you turn it off while I change.
​
ROGER (V.O)
Don't have to tell me twice.
​
STONERMAN
Actually.. You can watch if you want.
​
Stonerman chuckles.
​
ROGER (V.O)
I'm good. Just don't forget to grab his card key this time.
​
Stonerman changes out of his hero gear and into the security guard's uniform. Without his mask, Stonerman returns to his alter-ego, Homer.
​
HOMER
Never gonna let that go are ya? I was way too plastered for that mission!
​
ROGER (V.O)
Stay focused. I have heat signatures coming up on your right.
​
Homer gulps, casually moves forward past a group of incoming armed guards marching on patrol. Their uniforms read, "Cannon Fodder #1, Cannon Fodder #2, and so on..."
As our hero passes, one of the younger guards suspiciously glares at him, however, the suspicious guard continues forward in formation as if nothing happened.
​
With the coast clear, Homer scurries down a narrow drawbridge, he approaches a futuristic sliding door.
He inserts the keycard, the monitor beeps, and the door opens.
​
​
INT. FAKEBAKE'S CHEMICAL PROCESSING PLANT- NIGHT
Homer enters a maze of hallways and corridors that all look identical.
​
HOMER
I'm in. The disguise totally worked.
​
ROGER (V.O)
Cool. Remember, there's heavy surveillance. Put your mask back on immediately, I can only scrub so much footage before they notice something is up...
​
Homer puts on a green and purple domino mask, once again giving him the persona of Stonerman.
He steps into a nearby corridor.
​
ROGER (V.O)
Try to find the synthesizing center and shut it down. I'm currently gaining access into their system using the hotspot built into your suit. Once I'm in, I'll have a more detailed layout of the building and all of the dirty stuff they're trying to hide.
​
Stonerman chuckles.
​
STONERMAN
I'm not sure if I'd want to see Fakebake's dirty stuff.
​
A Security Guard riding a villainous “Hoverboard” glides into the corridor.
Stonerman flees behind the corner.
The Guard notices the movement. He investigates further...
​
STONERMAN
(Whispering)
They have hoverboards.
​
ROGER (V.O)
Hoverboards? I missed him, was it like my prototype in the workshop? How?
​
STONERMAN
Naw. Those lame-ass scooter things that have wheels but when you're riding it, it feels like you're hovering, or something?
​
ROGER (V.O)
Ah. In that case, I think you've got the situation under control.
​
The Guard moves in closer.
The hoverboard turns slowly, the Guard peers his head around the corner.
Stonerman pounces like lightning. Mid-jump, the hover-board unloads unexpected gunfire.
All of the bullets ricochet off Stonerman's body except for one stray bullet that pierces his right shoulder.
Blood trickles down his arm.
​
STONERMAN
Shit! It has machine guns!
​
Holding his bleeding shoulder, Stonerman takes shelter around the opposing corner.
​
ROGER (V.O)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You okay? I'm reading an entry point near your right shoulder. You need to smoke your bowl, ASAP!
​
STONERMAN
He barely nicked me. I'll toke in a second. I have no time to lose... He's gliding around at twelve miles an hour!
​
The hover board speeds down the corridor, locked and loaded.
It swings around the corner... Stonerman has vanished.
​
CANNON FODDER #22
Nice try, Stonerman! But my board can detect heat signatures. There's nowhere for you to hide!
​
Stonerman is crammed inside of the air vent above.
​
STONERMAN
(Whispering)
Of course it can.
​
He arms a bubbler-bomb. (The creative name for a bubbler turned into a bomb.)
​
The soulless hoverboard scans the area...
Stonerman busts from the vent, soars above the security guard...
Mid-dive over the pathway, he tosses the bubbler with precision...
The bomb smashes directly into the hoverboard, causing a contained yet powerful explosion.
The board's force field technology activates. Leaving it unscathed.
​
STONERMAN
What in the literal fuck?
​
ROGER (V.O)
One hit from your bowl and you're golden! Rosa the Goddamn Sparks!
​
STONERMAN
Eh, I thought of something a little more fun.
​
Stonerman smashes a smokebomb onto the floor. It unleashes a thick cloud of THC smoke, fogging the entire area...
Silence.
Cannon Fodder #22 emerges from the thick cloud.
​
Cannon Fodder #22
Woaaaah, maaaaaan. I think I’ve been riding on the wrong side of the moral tracks this entire time.
​
Cannon Fodder #22 sluggishly and uncomfortably swerves down the hallway.
He drives directly into a guard-rail, cramming himself into it.
The plastered guard continues to speed forward into the railing for a really long time, so long that he is eventually forced over the ledge.
"AH!" Cannon Fodder #22 lets out a passionate Wilhelm scream as he falls into a vat of vicious, bubbling, chemicals...
​
STONERMAN
Guess I'll smoke to that.
​
Victorious, Stonerman grabs a packed bowl from his utility belt and sparks the lighter.
​
WHAAACK!!.. A sci-fi ray-gun bashes Stonerman in the back of the head.
Our hero drops to the ground, unconscious.
​
​
END OF ACT 1
​
​
ACT 2: B- Track
​
INT. FACTORY'S INTERROGATION ROOM- NIGHT
Stonerman awakens to a harsh light.
He finds himself restrained to a sketchy operating table.
He struggles, squirms back and forth, secured too tight in the restraining straps.
Groggily, he examines the room, his vision impaired.
A door opens. A menacing figure steps into the shadows.
​
STONERMAN
Fakebake?
​
A horrifying, deep, almost mechanical, voice calls out.
​
???
(Villainous voice. Continuous.)
No. No longer.
​
STONERMAN
W-who are you?
​
???
From this day forward, I will be known as...
​
A villainous figure steps out from the shadows, revealing an over the top, metallic, super-villain outfit. Light radiates off it's jagged helmet.
​
???
Supreme Spice!
​
STONERMAN
Supreme Spice?
​
SUPREME SPICE
The board and I agreed, it was time for a Re-brand. In order to foster a more villainous public perception.
...
​
STONERMAN
I feel like you were going for a hardcore Vader vibe but ended up with a cheesier version of the Shredder from the Ninja Turtles... The classic cartoon, nineteen-eighties, bitch, version of Shredder.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Silence!
​
STONERMAN
Silence?.. You're trying too hard, dude.
​
SUPREME SPICE
You'll rue the day you didn't take me seriously.
​
STONERMAN
It's hard to take anyone seriously when they look like they should be placing third in a cosplay contest.
​
Supreme Spice swings his purple cape, calmly he paces back and forth.
​
SUPREME SPICE
My battle armor will instill fear into the masses. And the only remedy for their fear will be my spice!
​
STONERMAN
Thinking about it, I'm not even sure if you would get third. They work really hard.
​
SUPREME SPICE
It's irrelevant. Those costumes will soon belong to me... Once those cosplayers become addicted to my product, every dime they earn will go directly into my account. After I possess every cent and they've triple mortgage their pathetic homes, I'll send my men to repo all of their possessions for immediate incineration, especially those wretched costumes. Then, and only then, will I allow those poor souls one more fix of my spice.
​
STONERMAN
We get it, it's called spice now... Just sayin', if you want anyone to take you seriously, like at all, you would lose the suit. That little monologue thing you just did was kinda unbearable.
​
SUPREME SPICE
I… I Can't.
​
STONERMAN
What? Why not?
​
SUPREME SPICE
The armor has been fused to my skin.
​
STONERMAN
Really? Like, your whole body?
​
SUPREME SPICE
I was just excited and-
​
STONERMAN
Wait. Can you still… You know? Get down with a fine lady? What about the bathroom? Or is it weird?
​
...
STONERMAN (CONT'D)
It's weird. Isn't it?
​
SUPREME SPICE
Shit.
​
STONERMAN
Why did I ask?
...
​
SUPREME SPICE
Shit. Shit. Shit.
(Menacingly whispering to himself)
Perhaps after a swift un-fusing... my body can heal in time for an immediate refus-
​
STONERMAN
What about the voice? Is that permanent too?
​
Supreme Spice lets out a demonic sigh. Then flips a switch which removes the "Darth Vadar" effect, restoring his normal voice.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Now as I was saying-
​
STONERMAN
Yeah, the voice was forsure the worst part.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Enough! Everyone knows the voice is fine. Now, you will remain silent as I unveil my in-genius plan.
​
STONERMAN
Laying out your plan instead of killing the hero at his weakest point? Is this even joke worthy?
​
SUPREME SPICE
That's because you are the plan, Stonerman.
​
Supreme Spice erupts with laughter. He flips the switch mid-laughter in an attempt to sound more menacing, then flips it back to restore his normal voice. And flips it back one more time for good measure.
​
STONERMAN
I don't like the sound of this.
​
SUPREME SPICE
(Normal voice)
Imagine a world where mankind finally surmounts past mother nature. A world where the artificial becomes what is considered natural, taken to new heights thanks to my spice. A world where the only green that matters is, money.
​
STONERMAN
Can I imagine something that isn't completely belligerent?
​
Supreme Spice chuckles.
​
SUPREME SPICE
And you're going to be the face of that new world. Over the years, you've become an icon to these people. I want to take that symbol, that perspective, and twist it. In the name of… business.
​
STONERMAN
I'm good on that.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Perhaps, it will be more than the average consumer. Perhaps, your point of view will change as well. When I finally prove once and for all, that you, Stonerman, are most powerful on my bake!.. But first, before I can re-brand you as the new Fakebake, I must ensure that you are powered by my product alone. I must prove that you are one hundred percent sober. And in order to do that, Stonerman, you'll need to meet your Total Cashtration.
​
A bold metallic door slides opens.
​
A young man enters, still in his teens, strapped to the gills in gadgetry, with his main weapon; a massive sci-fi ray gun. A new villain known as, Total Cashtration.
​
STONERMAN
Supreme Spice and Total Cashtration?... Help! Somebody! Anybody! I've been captured by B- Villains!
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Hmph. We'll see who's on the B-list once I cash every bowl in the city. Making you redundant.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Until he gives in to my spice. I whipped up such an especially potent batch.
​
STONERMAN
Are the girl scouts busy? Now would good time to for some toffee-tastic revenge.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Toffee-tastic is a product cursed upon the poor.
​
Stonerman is appalled.
​
An intercom rings.
​
INTERCOM (V.O.)
Lord Spice, your attention is required in the East Wing... Also, there is an un-fusing expert here for estimates.
​
SUPREME SPICE
If you'll excuse me, I have some business related matters to tend to. Cashtration, report once the vermin has completely sobered up.
​
Supreme Spice exits.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I'm disappointed. When I was hired to capture you, I was expecting a fragment of a challenge. You've turned out to be all hype. But what else am I to expect from a drugged up, junkie, claiming to be a hero?
​
STONERMAN
What am I to expect from someone who comes up with a name like, “Total Cashtration?”
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I wouldn't attempt a sleight of humor if I were sitting in your shoes... Unlike my benefactor, I couldn't care less if you died.
​
Cashtration's advanced goggles lock onto Stonerman's utility belt. It focuses in on one of the pouches.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
You cannot hide anything from me. I may not be it now. But one day, I will become the smartest being on this planet!
​
ROGER (V.O)
(From Stonerman's earpiece. Continuous)
Wait a second…
​
Total Cashtration retrieves a packed bowl from inside Stonerman's pouch.
​
STONERMAN
Damn.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
This bowl is only the first step. After tonight, I will receive the funding I need to complete my ultimate-cashtration-ray. Then I’ll be able to cash out every bowl, slide, and chillum in an entire nation.
​
STONERMAN
Forcing everyone to resort to the fakebake…
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
That's Spice's plan. But not mine. Why let a buffoon blinded by the dollar stand in the way of verifiable intelligence? Sure he'll have control for a while. However, down the line, after I'm fully financed, I'll cash the fakebake as well. Then we'll see who's really pulling the strings.
​
STONERMAN
Dude. If you're really as smart as you claim, wouldn't you know that this room is bugged?
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
You will soon learn not to underestimate me. This so called impenetrable security system lays under my complete control. I'm also fully aware that a second foreign party has covertly made its way past the firewall as well... at the exact moment of your arrival. And ever since, my system has been trying to crack into their's. However, for the first time ever, it's been unsuccessful. Which begs the question... Who is protecting you?
​
Cashtration activates his ray-gun.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Now is not the time for questions, however. It is now time for your Total Cashtration!
​
The fully packed bowl lays on the floor, Total Cashtration takes aim. An automated voice alerts from the weapon.
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress... Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress... Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
STONERMAN
What are you doing?
​
The ray-gun continues. “Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress.”
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I'm cashing out your bowl. Assuring that you can no longer get high!
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Cashtration Beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
STONERMAN
Is it supposed to take this long?
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
It's doing exactly what it's supposed to.
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
ROGER (V.O)
After analyzing his weapon. I found he went about it all wrong. Even with restricted finances, I would have been able to build a weapon with twice the power. Noob. But no ordinary noob-
​
STONERMAN
(Whispering)
Quiet.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
What did you say?
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
STONERMAN
Just cash the damn bowl already!
​
TOTAL CASTRATION
To quote noble play-writes that came before me. “You cannot rush art.”
​
STONERMAN
That's also a quote from Toy Story Two. Except, his passion was cleaning toys.
​
ROGER (V.O)
I know you've asked me to stay quiet but I have a valuable intel.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Quite the anecdote, Stonerman. Really quite clever.
​
ROGER (V.O)
I wasn't sure at first, but after doing a vocal analysis I confirmed my suspicions.
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Castration beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
ROGER (V.O)
The identity of Total Cashtration is… Miles Ulizeisis.
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Castration beginning. Cashing in progress.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Torture, isn't it? Watching your precious plant die before your eyes.
​
Cashtration laughs like a madman.
​
STONERMAN
(Whispering into his earpiece)
Uh, who?
(To Cashtration)
Torture? Yeah, but not for the reason you might think...
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress. Twenty percent complete. Cashtration continuing. Cashing in progress.
​
ROGER (V.O)
He's an old arch rival of mine. The self proclaimed worlds second smartest man. We used to compete in science fairs together, he would always get second place, while I would take home the gold. He became jealous, vowed to surpass me. That kinda thing. There's actually a really cool back story that could be told in a black and white flashback format. But there's no time.
​
BRITISH AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O)
Castration in progress. Castration continuing.
​
80's music plays from the rafters.
With the cashtration-ray locked on the bowl, Total Cashtration glances around the room.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
What?
​
ROGER (V.O)
Did I mention I made that call?
​
BUD BUDDY
It's globbering time!
​
Stonerman's loyal sidekick dashes past a boom box.
Bud Buddy wears a green ski mask, a pot leaf t-shirt, cheap knee/elbow pads, and wields his trusty bo-staff.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
You may have caught me with my metaphorical pants down, but you'll find that I'm always one step ahead.
​
Cashtration holds a button on his helmet.
​
TOTAL CASTRATION
Send in, Board Member Conley.
​
The metallic door slides opens.
A clean cut, muscle-head, of a business man steps in.
His business casual grey suit bursts at the seams due to his unadulterated brawn.
With eyes as cold as his solid black tie, in a Full-Windsor knot.
He reaches back and retrieves a heavy, metal, weapon, at the end are two separate chains that hold giant, curved, oval stone plates. (Kind of like a dual chained mace that has two dense stone shields at the end. Like an old-style balance scale turned into weapon.)
​
Board Member Conley swings the two-handed weapon downward.
Two concrete saucers lumber through the air, the chains create a "V" shape midair.
The hefty disks SMASH into the concrete flooring. Rubble splatters across the room.
Bud Buddy timidly takes a step back...
​
Bud BUDDY
Not digging the tunes?
​
The two plates are burrowed into the ground.
The chains tremble...
Board Member Conley lifts the weapon into attack position.
​
BUD BUDDY
When I heard about the mission, I thought it called for a B-track. Nothing personal.
​
Board Member Conley steps forward.
Bud Buddy backs himself into a corner.
​
END OF ACT 2
ACT 3: Protest the Heroes
​
INT. FACTORY'S INTERROGATION ROOM- NIGHT
Cornered... Bud Buddy scans the room for an escape or environmental advantage.
A storm-drain in the center of an otherwise barren floor...
An elevated ceiling. Too high to jump...
An exposed rusted pipeline along the walls...
On the far end of the room, Stonerman struggles in his restraints.
​
Bud Buddy preforms a wrist-roll with his bo-staff, taps it on the ground for luck, then swings aggressively at his opponent.
With a simple flick, Conley's gigantic pendulum stops Bud Buddy in his tracks.
The bo-staff deflects hard off the stone, the power of the block itself almost knocks Bud Buddy off of his feet.
Bud Buddy grips his makeshift utility belt and eyes his towering foe.
​
Incoming! A fierce swing from the frail-like weapon...
Bud Buddy swiftly fires his wireless grappling.
THUNK. An unaccompanied hook lodges into the ceiling.
Bud Buddy presses a button on his utility belt, it activates a magnetic current that lifts him from the ground. And he evades the attack.
Looking toward the sky, he soars upwards. He zooms towards the hook wedged in the ceiling.
BAM! Bud Buddy delivers a stiff knee to the face of the Board Member as he passes.
Before he reaches the hook counterpart, Bud Buddy deactivates the magnetic current and falls toward the ground.
He lands into a barrel roll behind the dazed Board Member, he bolts directly for Stonerman.
​
BUD BUDDY
Sorry I'm late.
​
STONERMAN
It's cool. Just hurry!
​
Bud Buddy retrieves a joint from his utility-belt and sparks the lighter.
SP-
​
STONERMAN
Lookout!
​
Bud Buddy ducks to the floor.
A devastating attack swings above his head.
He scoops up the lighter from the ground and regroups.
​
BUD BUDDY
Hey- It's cool if he hits you, right?
​
Stonerman has a frightened expression on his face.
​
BUD BUDDY (CONT'D)
Cause the joint will heal you and stuff.
​
Bud Buddy ducks again.
The two gigantic stone cylinders SMASH into each other an inch from Stonerman's face. In a similar fashion to those old-fashioned Clacker toys.
​
STONERMAN
Not if my skull's dented in!
​
BUD BUDDY
Uh, one sec.
​
Steam discharges from the pipe on the wall.
The two adversaries make eye contact.
Board Member Conley's weapon whooshes through the air, twirling above his head.
Bud Buddy acts first, he speeds right then jukes left.
He grips tight onto his bo-staff, accelerates forward, and sweeps at the legs of his foe.
​
Board Member Conley does not budge an inch.
An annoyed expression washes over his face, he stops twirling his mighty weapon, and kicks Bud Buddy directly into the wall.
He hits hard, holding his ribs, but still, he evades the next immediate attack.
BOOSH!!! The frail smashes into the wall.
ZZZZZTTT. Steam erupts from the exposed piping.
Bud Buddy vanishes.
​
Board Member Conley steadies his weapon and examines the hazy room...
'Cashtration beginning. Cashing in progress.' quietly echoes in the background.
Total Castration adjusts the settings on his goggles.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Behind you!
​
Bud Buddy is too quick and too sneaky. He throws flashpaper into the air for a flashy misdirection, the same way magicians do.
Once again, using his wireless grapple to defy gravity, he zooms upwards.
TWHACK!! His bo-staff bashes Conley's head.
Board Member Conley wobbles, weak at the knees.
​
Bud Buddy quickly zooms past again, he swings hard enough to knock a ball out of the park. WHACK!!!
Before even touching the ground, Bud Buddy activates his wireless grapple gun to zoom upwards through the air in the opposite direction,
BASH!!! He smacks Conley on top of the head with a downward swing. The giant Board Member tumbles to the ground.
THUMP! Bud Buddy double taps the downed Board Member in the head.
He picks up the joint from the ground, makes his way over to Stonerman, holds it up to his mouth, and sparks the lighter.
​
SPARK!
​
SPARK!
​
SP-
Bud Buddy stops in his tracks. He is yanked to the ground.
A chain is wrapped around his ankle. Board Member Conley pulls him in closer.
Bud Buddy drags across the ground, closer and closer, until he lies under his opponent.
Desperate, Bud Buddy delivers a stern kick directly to the groin of the Board Member, who stands un-phased.
Bud Buddy hits a second sack attack. The cold and calculated face of Board Member Conley doesn't even twitch.
​
BUD BUDDY
Help, S-man!.. I think this guy is sackless!
​
The Board Member lifts his mighty weapon.
Bud Buddy dangles helplessly, tangled among the chains and stone plates.
​
BUD BUDDY
To quote noble play-writes that came before me... Gotta blast!
​
Bud Buddy activates the magnetic current on his belt.
He flies upwards into the air.
His ankle is still caught in the chain.
He sits suspended in the air, stretching upward but his leg anchored down by the Board Member's hefty weapon.
He increases the magnetic field to full power.
The chain on his ankle slides downward.
He's slowly breaking free.
It slides down a bit more, almost at his foot now, he is just about to slip out...
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I'm through with this.
​
Total Cashtration activates a button on his wrist-computer, cancelling the wireless communication between Bud Buddy's belt and grapple hook.
Bud Buddy plummets to the ground.
He hits hard and at an uncomfortable angle, he crashes alongside a heavy stone plate.
The joint falls from his finger tips, rolls across the floor, and falls down the drain center of the floor, descending into an abyss of darkness.
​
Everything fades to black.
​
​
INT. THE EAST WING (SUPREME SPICE'S SECRET LAIR)- NIGHT
In a daze. The room is dark. There are rumblings of villainous bickering.
​
SUPREME SPICE
You shouldn't have gotten them involved.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
The situation called for it.
​
SUPREME SPICE
The board answers to me.
​
Stonerman stirs. Trapped inside a tight, circular, glass tube. He reaches for his earpiece. It is gone.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Ah. You're awake. The detox agents had you out for longer than I had anticipated.
​
SUPREME SPICE
And you'll notice that I've already updated your costume with your new trademark.
​
A new "F" logo is crudely pasted across his chest, covering the classic Stonerman symbol.
​
StONERMAN
"F," for fuck this?
​
SUPREME SPICE
Welcome to your new home! The Bakecave!
​
Strange eerie music plays over the intercom speaker system.
Supreme Spice stands arrogantly as if he is about to be praised as a god or something.
An overwhelming amount of swinging floodlights flash on.
The room comes to life in a dissonant cluster of flashing, blinding, lights of white and neon green.
Green question marks are scattered among the black painted decor. A decadent throne sits under a giant green blender.
​
SUPREME SPICE
I paid to replicate one of the most menacing super hero traps in modern history. We've reconstructed the ending set piece from Batman Forever!... and we spared no expense!
​
STONERMAN
Wait. Is this supposed to be Batman or Jurassic park?
​
BUD BUDDY
Jurassic Park would've been way better!
​
SUPREME SPICE
Just as the title states, Batman Forever will stand the test of time, where as Jurassic Park will fall at the wayside... I figured if it worked to capture Batman it'd be good enough for you. But apparently you're superior to Batman now.
​
STONERMAN
For one. Batman wasn't captured, Robin was. Secondly, that movie sucks.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Can't you see what they're doing? They're attempting to stall.
​
Supreme Spice pauses.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Yes, of course. I was stalling as well... The last thing we need is the alternative media running rampant to disprove the power of my spice. For all we know, he's still hopped up on that detox agent.
​
Cashtration is clearly uninterested in what his partner has to say.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Bud Buddy. You're first.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Yes. Good idea. Test it on the sidekick.
​
A control panel makes up this section of the wall, something you would see in a Frankenstein movie.
Castration steps over and pulls down on a giant lever.
Black smoke emits from the exhaust vent in the second holding tube.
Bud Buddy punches, kicks, rams the glass. Not even a scratch. He cowers to the floor.
​
BUD BUDDY
What's going to happen to me?
​
STONERMAN
You're going to get a janky high.
​
BUD BUDDY
Guess Sleazy-Sunday is coming early this week.
​
Bud Buddy's demeanor calms, he inhales.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Yes. Take it in.
​
STONERMAN
Dude, be careful! That doesn't mean this shit isn't dangerous!
​
In an over the top fashion, Bud Buddy frantically spazzes out. Like when Willem Dafoe becomes the Green Goblin in Sam Rami's classic, Spiderman.
The drug induced seizure continues until it doesn't.
​
BUD BUDDY
Ah. That's the stuff.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Come anew! Show your hero your new found power. And show the world the superior inebriation!
​
Black. The color of Bud Buddy's fully dilated pupil. Rivers of crimson red flow from the black center point. His eyes glossy and bloodshot to pure hell.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Bud Buddy doesn't have powers.
​
Green ski-mask disheveled, shirt half tucked in, Bud Buddy sways back and forth. He snaps his fingers and shoots out a playful shooting hand gesture.
Smoke continues to fill his chamber.
Supreme Spice fidgets around, making an awkward CLANKING sound.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Without powers how was he able to-
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Defeat the likes of you?
​
Total Cashtration checks his wrist communicator and smirks.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Just carry on with the procedure.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Are you sure that dastardly detox is out of his system?
​
SUPREME SPICE
We should be good.
​
Cashtration tries to pull the giant switch to the right. It does not budge.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Hey. This cheap lever is stuck.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Impossible.
​
Supreme Spice makes his way over and pulls the lever with ease.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Seems-
​
A glass tube falls from the ceiling in a cheesy fashion. Supreme Spice is trapped inside.
​
SUPREME SPICE
What?
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I tried to help you. I really did.
​
SUPREME SPICE
No. I was the one helping you. Keyword, was.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
The funds have gone through. And effective at twelve o' one, I was named new chief executive officer. You're through. I am head of the board now.
​
SUPREME SPICE
B-but, I've founded the board, they'd never- I just captured Stonerman for crying out loud!
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I did.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Under my watch. With my plan.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
And what was that plan exactly? Have your opponent weak and beaten then give him powers beyond your control? Do you really believe that movie prop can hold a god?
​
SUPREME SPICE
With my-
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
You've proven yourself incompetent!
​
Cold and calculated, Castration strides over to our heroes holding chambers. Bud Buddy is barely visible within his smoke filled tube, he looks at the room around him, no doubt having an existential crisis.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
There is only one way that the both of you are walking out of here alive.
​
THUD!... SWICHGRRHTCHH! A swirling grinding noise.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
​
Supreme Spice rams his holding pod, it wobbles. His is not secured to the ceiling like the others.
The eyepiece over Castrastion's left eye records the next ram attempt. It reads, "Probability of success: 12%."
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Tell me. Who are you working for, Stonerman?
​
STONERMAN
Working for? I'm the god of chilling. Sent down by Zeus to bring balance to a world overwhelmed with evil.
​
Like the unrelenting beat of a pounding drum, Supreme Spice continues to kamikaze himself into his plexiglass pod.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
They sent down the god of cannabis to bring balance?
​
STONERMAN
Yeah! I'm the only one who would do it. My positive energy will outweigh the negative.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
I'm not buying it for a second. Why would a god pose as a super hero? Have a mortal sidekick?
​
Bud Buddy's chamber appears to be filled with a marshmallowy texture. There is no actual air left inside.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Or need one of these...
​
Total Cashtration opens his palm to reveal Stonerman's earpiece.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Hmph. Don't worry. It went cold as soon as it was removed from your possession.
​
SUPREME SPICE
Don't stop me. I'll do it!!!
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
What now?
​
Supreme Spice stands before the heavens, both arms extended out. He holds two small vials containing some sort of black ooze.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
What are those?
​
SUPREME SPICE
You know damn well what these are. Fully concentrated doses of my most potent spice... And you know exactly what will happen once they are exposed to the oxygen too quickly. Let me out or I'll do it.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Hmph. A coward in his finest moment. Look Stonerman, he's no more than an actor in heavy armor. I can see his metal shaking from here.
​
STONERMAN
I don't care about any of this.
​
Stonerman nervously glances at Bud Buddy's dire situation. Supreme Spice screams...
​
SUPREME SPICE
No one will ever question my evil intent again. Cause I've gone full blown, baby!
​
Supreme Spice laughs himself mad as he squeezes the two vials.
A massive EXPLOSION levels everything within a ten foot radius of his holding pod.
Shrapnel crashes into both our heroes glass chambers.
The explosion sets off even more explosions throughout the flammable facility.
A malfunction sets off the intercom system, the default track activates.
A series of EXPLOSIONS paint the room as "A Kiss from a Rose" by Seal plays over the intercom.
Total Cashtration flees the scene.
The shrapnel left a small crack in Stonerman's pod.
BAM... He punches it. Nothing... BAM! Again nothing.
​
Meanwhile, an unbelievable amount of black smoke leaks from a crack in Bud Buddy's holding pod. If his glass chamber were to be compared to an Oreo, it wouldn't be double or even triple, this bad boy is quadruple stuffed with smoke.
The explosions continue.
​
A gust of wind blows some smoke emitting from the holes in Bud Buddy's chamber.
A cloud of smoke splashes against the Stonerman's chamber.
Stonerman looks down at his bloody knuckles, puts his mouth around the glass hole, and inhales for his life.
He exhales. Nothing comes out. His puny figure doesn't change. He strikes the glass again. BAM!... Still nothing.
​
STONERMAN
Damn. Shit. Fuck.
​
He rests his forearm against the glass defeated...
​
STONERMAN
I wonder how movie accurate this thing is?
​
He jumps into the air and STOMPS down hard.
The ground shudders. There is now a crease in the center of the floor. Stonerman smirks.
With his foot up against the glass, Stonerman performs a wall assisted back flip.
The momentum send him smashing through the break away floor board...
​
Free fall...
It may not be movie accurate but its good enough. Instead of a giant convenient supporting beam to land on, the deep abyss is filled with an endless series of piping systems.
Stonerman leans forward, changing his momentum midair.
CLANG! His ribs smack directly into a thin pipe. Upon impact, he wraps his arms around it, and holds on for dear life.
Feet dangling, Stonerman shimmy's his way across the pipeline. The strain on his face is clear. Sweat pours down.
​
Now at the end of his pipe, there aren't many options left.
Stonerman's best bet appears to be a row of pipes across from him that he can be use as a platform. However, there was one problem...
A thirteen and a half foot gap between our hero and the channel of pipes.
Looking up, he can see a second, closed, trap door in the ceiling.
He lets out a deep breath...
​
He swings back and forth, gaining more momentum with every swing.
He hurls himself forward with great velocity, clearing the gap.
Using every last ounce of strength in his body, he pulls himself up onto the platform, momentarily laying there, catching his breath.
​
There is no time. One more demanding task is ahead of him.
A thin pipe scaling all the way up to the ceiling.
He holds his injured shoulder, slowly ascending the pipe, wincing in pain with every move.
His slender build pushed to the max. The determination in his eyes build as he scales all the way to the top.
​
CLANG... He punches upwards at the flat steel surface. Nothing.
He continues with another. CLANG... And another... CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.
Blood splatters from his knuckles.
Now speeding up. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG...
The door's hinge cracks open and lets out a gush of smoke.
Stonerman's bloody hand grabs hold of the small ridge in the trapdoor. The other arm still holding tight to the pipe. He pulls the trap door towards him.
Again, straining every fiber of his being. The veins in his arms bulging. His face damn near purple. He cries out in pain and pulls in even harder.
​
The trap door busts open.
Too much smoke floods out.
An unconscious Bud Buddy plummets into free fall.
He drops past a weary Stonerman...
At the last possible second, Stonerman reaches out and catches his partner like a trapeze performance.
​
STONERMAN
I've got you, Buddy...
​
...Stonerman loses his grip of the pipe. They both tumble into a free fall...
The pipe platform from earlier, catches both heroes, hard. Shortly after their crash landing, it collapses. Sending them again into free fall, descending into the hot-boxed chasm.
Stonerman holds Bud Buddy tight, protecting him from the multiple pipe bashes on the way down. They slow their momentum on the way to the bottom but at what cost?
​
They purposefully land directly on Stonerman's back. His suit takes a majority of the impact.
Stonerman's body is absolutely destroyed, bloody, and disfigured.
He can barely push Bud Buddy off of him, he rolls his companion onto his back.
Stonerman grunts in pain as he scratches and claws the few inches that stands between him and Bud Buddy's unconscious body.
​
STONERMAN
Come on. We've been through worse than this.
​
He nudges him.
​
STONERMAN
Dude...
​
Splish. Splish. The distant sound of footsteps splashing through a puddle somewhere in the underground utility tunnel.
PLOP. PLOP.
The steps grow louder...
​
CAAAAAAOUUUUUGHGHGHGH....
​
Bud Buddy lets out a massive hack before he violently coughs and gasp for air.
​
BUD BUDDY
*Too belligerent to be put into actual words.*
​
STONERMAN
There's no time. Castration is coming. I need you to carry me out of here. I can't move... I think my fucking spine is broken.
​
Bud Buddy wobbles to his feet, takes two steps forward, then face plants.
​
BUD BUDDY
I knoo-ooow where to return the cheese, bro!
​
STONERMAN
Shit.
​
THUMP. THUMP. He's approaching now.
Stonerman lies completely crippled.
​
STONERMAN
Stay back! I was able to take in some of the fakebake! You can't underestimate this kind of power!
​
Within the hotboxed haze stands a hung over, ragged, hippie with dark blonde hair, aviator shades, and a rasta colored baja hoodie... It is Apollo, the god of the sun.
​
APOLLO
Fakebake? Not my first choice but if that's all you have.
​
Stonerman smiles.
​
STONERMAN
Apollo.
​
APOLLO
You guys look wrecked.
​
STONERMAN
There's no doubt about it. My spine feels like a shattered glass pretzel.
​
APOLLO
Maybe this will help.
​
Apollo retrieves a blunt from his poncho pocket then lights it with a snap of the fingers.
Stonerman finally takes the hit of sweet lady green since the beginning of the journey.
Some of his cuts and bruises fade away. His bones realign.
​
STONERMAN
Thanks. I'm feeling a little better. We should go to Roger's workshop to get checked out, though.
​
APOLLO
Don't be paranoid. You're always fine after a few hits of ganja.
​
BUD BUDDY
Duudes. I think, Batman Forever- is my favorite movie now.
​
APOLLO
Uh, let's head to Roger's.
​
Apollo wraps his arms around his two friends and carries them to the exit.
​
Stonerman
Would you guys be down to make a circuit run first? I'm starving.
​
APOLLO
Obviously we're stopping at Tbell, but where else should we go?
​
STONERMAN
What time is it? BK breakfast?
​
Stonerman passes the blunt to Apollo.
​
APOLLO
Closed. But I think the Velvet Waffle is twenty-four hours now.
​
STONERMAN
Fuck yes!
​
BUD BUDDY
Can we make an additional chocolate fudge whipped sundae caramel ice cream cashew nut cruncher stop on tonight's fast food circuit adventure, fellas?
​
APOLLO
I think that's the most lucid thing you've said since I've gotten here.
​
With Apollo's aid, the chill crew live to smoke another day, forever leaving Supreme Spice's demolished chemical plant as it burns to the ground.
They walk into the sunrise, to stop at as many fast food restaurants as possible to create their own personal home stoner buffet.
They call this phenomenon, "The fast food circuit."
​
​
END
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
POST CREDITS SCENE
​
INT. SUPREME SPICE's OFFICE OF BUSINESS- DAY
An office door reads, "Office of Supreme Spice."
The label is removed, leaving behind a blank slate.
Inside, Total Cashtration sits at the head desk.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
That imbecile survived?
​
A BUMBLING ASSISTANT fumbles around with a stack of files in his hands.
​
BUMBLING ASSISTANT
Yes... Yes. I was also informed that the chemical explosion had an unusual effect on his armor... or should I say, skin? What have you.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Thank you. Inform the board that I'll be with them momentarily.
​
The confused man wearing a suit exits.
Total Cashtration gazes out the window to admire his new empire.
​
TOTAL CASHTRATION
Nothing can stop my conquest now. I shall soon outwit the worlds so called smartest man. And you're going to lead me straight to him... Aren't you, Homer?
​
​
END
