StonermanShow.com

BLUBBLUBLUB… The tie-dye bubbler bubbles.

Smoke swirls into the base.

Steven exhales a massive smoke cloud, currently kicking it alone at his favorite smoke spot, "The Fort," a garage attic turned stoner clubhouse.

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CLANG… Someone's climbing up the noisy ladder...

It's Roger.

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ROGER

Dude!

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STEVEN

Dude!

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STEVEN (CONT'D)

Check out this cone I just rolled!

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ROGER

Badass. But I really have something... How's a week in Iceland sound?

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STEVEN

Damn. No way... I’m broke.

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ROGER

What if it’s free?

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STEVEN

I’d say, what’s the catch?... and why Iceland?

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Steven inhales a rip from his bubbler, puts it aside, then sparks an oversized cone joint.

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ROGER

There isn’t one... I won a weeks stay for my thesis, ‘The effect music has on a potato.’

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Steven offers Roger the gigantic cone.

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STEVEN

Spudify? Yeah, I remember. It won a contest?

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Roger exhales a smoke cloud.

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ROGER

Basically. They've asked me to come to Iceland so I can help shepard in a new, more “experienced,” (coughs) more funded, team of scientists to complete my work and steal the credit... At least I can bring a plus one! What’d you say?

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Joint in hand, Steven thinks this over.

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STEVEN

So you're training an entire team to do a job that you can do alone?

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ROGER

Basically.

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STEVEN

You’re taking me?

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ROGER

Of course! We’ll be staying at the luxurious Ice Hotel! I have a reservation code. I'll send it your way.

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Roger flashes his phone. In the screen's reflection, Steven’s eyes are crimson red. 

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STEVEN

Dude...

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ROGER

Dude?

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STEVEN

A hotel made of ice.

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ROGER

Pretty chill, huh?

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Now on his phone, Steven scrolls through the hotel’s official website.

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STEVEN

401k Club? That’s us right?

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Roger retrieves a folded piece of paper from his breast pocket.

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ROGER

Hmmm… Seems to be a standard room. But it reeks of class.

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Roger holds up a flyer but it's ignored by Steven as he hits the half smoked cone joint. (Which is still larger than most joints.)

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STEVEN

Standard? The upgrade is only an extra hundred each!.. And includes access to a VIP all you can eat steakhouse. It's so fancy that they have penguins as servers!

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ROGER

I thought you were broke?

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STEVEN

You can swim with the penguins!

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ROGER

I don’t think we would be able to afford something like that...

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STEVEN

Yeah. Me neither…

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ROGER

We have no money...

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The grinder is scraped so clean that it looks better than new.

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STEVEN

No bud… After this.

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Steven takes another drag from the cone joint.

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ROGER

No assets...

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STEVEN

No penguins…

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ROGER

But we have a room at the Ice Hotel!

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Roger exhales smoke then passes the cone back to Steven.

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STEVEN

What if we flip it?

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ROGER

Like, sell it?

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STEVEN

The vacation, man!

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ROGER

Like a timeshare?

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STEVEN

Exactly! We'll get the upgrade then some! We can use the side cash to stock up enough ganja to last the entire trip. Those scientist dudes won't even know that we switched rooms.

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Steven takes another hit.

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ROGER

I don’t know… I’ve never sold anything.

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Steven wobbles in his chair, inhaling another hit.

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STEVEN

You’re the thesis genius! How could anyone not buy from you?

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ROGER

Well... who would I sell it to?

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Steven passes the cone to Roger, grabs the family phone book, then retrieves the fort’s official telephone. A retro, landline, Gumby telephone. Steven hands it to Roger.

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STEVEN

Just pick a number, it’ll be easy!

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ROGER

Telemarketing? What have we become?

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STEVEN

Desperate times!

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The Gumby phone shakes in Roger’s hand.

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ROGER

We aren’t even a real service. What's our name? What if they know I’m a fraud?

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STEVEN

Just make something up. Introduce yourself as a genius, say some smart stuff, and I’m positive you’ll do fine... Here, try this one.

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Steven points to a random telephone number.

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Roger dials…

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The phone rings…

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Someone answers…

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ROGER

Hell-

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V.O

Not interested.

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Hangs up.

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ROGER

What!

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STEVEN

Who said this was going to be easy?

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ROGER

You did!

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STEVEN

Let’s try a different number.

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Steven skims back and forth through the phone book.

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STEVEN

This time put on your salesman pants, go in for the kill! Sell like you're Johnny Bravo, bro.

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ROGER

Johnny Bravo?

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STEVEN

Here, uh, try, um, this one.

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Roger dials...

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The phone rings…

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Someone answers...

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V.O

Hello?

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ROGER

(Johnny Bravo Impression)

Hey babeh.

(Salesman pants)

Would I be able to interest you in the trip of a lifetime? How does a week’s stay at the world famous Penguinpalooza Ice Hotel, sound? You would have to be clinically insane to pass on such great sites such as-

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V.O

(Frustrated)

Look, buddy. I told you. I’m not interested!

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Dial tone.

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ROGER

I give up. You try.

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Roger and Steven trade phone for cone.

Roger flips through the phone book, selects a number, and Steven dials…

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The phone rings...

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V.O.

(Angry)

Why won’t you people leave me alone?

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...

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STEVEN

Wait... I thought this was a different number...

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V.O.

It is. Now what do you want?

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STEVEN

Did I dial into a different universe?

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V.O.

Will you please take me off of your call list?

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STEVEN

This is freaking me out, man.

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V.O.

I already told your friend. I’m not interested in penguin ice-cubed trays.

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Steven inhales, puffing on the joint right besides the mouthpiece.

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COUGH! Steven coughs into the phone...

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STEVEN

You can’t bring ashtrays. Um. You have to smoke outside. Cause, a hotbox would melt the room. Its, like, scrulptured out of ice and stuff.

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V.O.

The room is?

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STEVEN

Uh, I think so.

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V.O.

That’s the single most extraordinary thing I’ve ever heard! Sold! Sold, good sir! I couldn’t care less about the cost!

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STEVEN

Dope. Roger, what’s the reservation access thingy again?

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Roger dozes off with the burning joint in hand. He slowly glances at his phone.

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ROGER

He actually wants it? Um… JF13PK69RS7

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Steven repeats the code as Roger reads it aloud.

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STEVEN

Sweet. You won’t regret this, sir!

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Steven hangs up.

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ROGER

That was amazing!

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STEVEN

Told ya it’d be a breeze!... But I’ve been thinking.

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ROGER

What’s up?

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Steven toys with a yo-yo.
 

STEVEN

What if instead of an IceHotel, we made a “HotBox” hotel. A place where smoke is pumped through the air vents at all times... As long as everyone pitches in!

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Roger scrolls on his phone.

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ROGER

Maybe we can use some of this extra money to get some building permits. Speaking of which, we should book the new room before anyone finds out. Knowing our luck, it's going to sell out.

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STEVEN

This is gonna be so dope!

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ROGER

How much did we get?

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STEVEN

What?

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ROGER

For the room.

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STEVEN

Uh-

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ROGER

He did pay for the room, correct?

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STEVEN

Now that you mention it. I’m not too sure..

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ROGER

What the fuck? You gave him the access code without payment?

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STEVEN

Don’t blame me! I was in the heat of the moment. The thrill of the sale!

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ROGER

Yeah, but you forgot the most important part. The sale! What was their name?

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STEVEN

I don’t freaking know!

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ROGER

Call back!

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STEVEN

What’s the number?

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ROGER

Redial!

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STEVEN

Gumby doesn’t have redial, man!

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The cone is roached. Roger and Steven are speechless as they both glare at the phone book.

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ROGER

Dude.

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STEVEN

Dude…

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END