The Cone/Phone Dilemma
By Joe Fawley
BLUBBLUBLUB… The tie-dye bubbler bubbles.
Smoke swirls into the base.
Steven exhales a massive smoke cloud. He's currently kicking it alone in his favorite smoke spot, "The Fort," a garage attic turned stoner clubhouse.
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CLANG CLANG CLANG… Someone's climbing up the noisy ladder...
It's Roger.
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ROGER
Dude!
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STEVEN
Dude!
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STEVEN (CONT'D)
Check out this massive cone I rolled!
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ROGER
Badass. But I really have something here... How's a week in Iceland sound?
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STEVEN
Damn. No way... I’m broke.
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ROGER
What if I said, it’s free?
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STEVEN
I’d say, what’s the catch?... and why Iceland?
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Steven inhales a rip from his bubbler, puts it aside, then sparks an overly massive cone joint.
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ROGER
There isn’t one... I won a weeks stay for my thesis. ‘The effect music has on a potato.’
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Steven offers Roger the gigantic cone.
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STEVEN
Spudify? Yeah. I remember. It won a contest?
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Roger exhales a cloud of smoke.
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ROGER
Basically. They've asked me to come to Iceland so I can help shepard in a new, more “experienced,” (coughs) more funded, team of scientists to complete my work and steal the credit... At least they say I can bring a plus one! What’d you say?
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Joint in hand, Steven thinks this over.
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STEVEN
So you're training an entire team to do a job that you can do alone?
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ROGER
Basically.
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STEVEN
You’re taking me, right?
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ROGER
Of course! We’ll be staying at the luxurious Ice Hotel! I have a reservation code. I'll send it your way.
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Roger flashes his phone. In the screen's reflection, Steven’s eyes are a crimson red.
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STEVEN
Dude...
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ROGER
Dude?
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STEVEN
A hotel made of ice.
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ROGER
Pretty chill, huh?
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Now on his phone, Steven scrolls through the hotel’s official website.
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STEVEN
401k Club? That’s us right?
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Roger retrieves a folded piece of paper from his breast pocket.
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ROGER
Hmmm… Seems to be a standard room. But it reeks of class.
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Roger holds up a flyer. It is ignored as Steven hits the half smoked cone joint. (Which is still larger than most joints.)
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STEVEN
Standard? The upgrade is only an extra hundred each!.. And includes access to a VIP all you can eat steakhouse. It's so fancy that they have penguins as servers!
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ROGER
I thought you said you were broke?
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STEVEN
You can swim with the penguins!
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ROGER
I don’t think we would be able to afford something like that...
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STEVEN
Yeah. Me neither…
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ROGER
We have no money...
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The grinder is scraped so clean that it looks better than new.
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STEVEN
No bud… After this.
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Steven takes another drag from the cone joint.
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ROGER
No assets...
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STEVEN
No penguins…
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ROGER
But we have a room at the Ice Hotel!
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Roger exhales smoke then passes the cone back to Steven.
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STEVEN
What if we sell it?
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ROGER
Sell it?
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STEVEN
The vacation, man!
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ROGER
Like a timeshare?
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STEVEN
Exactly! We'll get the upgrade then some! We can use the side cash to stock up on enough ganja to last the entire trip. Those scientist dudes won't even know that we switched rooms.
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Steven takes another hit.
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ROGER
I don’t know… I’ve never sold anything.
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Steven wobbles in his chair, inhaling yet another hit.
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STEVEN
You’re the thesis genius! How could anyone not buy from you?
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ROGER
Well... who would I even sell it to?
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Steven passes the cone to Roger, grabs the family phone book, then retrieves the fort’s official telephone.
A retro, landline, Gumby telephone. Steven hands it to Roger.
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STEVEN
Just pick a number, it’ll be easy!
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ROGER
Telemarketing? What have we become?
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STEVEN
Desperate times!
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The Gumby phone shakes in Roger’s hand.
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ROGER
We aren’t even a real service, what's our name? What if they know I’m a fraud?
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STEVEN
Just make something up. Make sure to introduce yourself as a genius, say some smart stuff, and I’m positive you’ll do fine... Here, try this one.
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Steven points to a random telephone number.
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Roger dials…
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The phone rings…
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Someone answers…
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ROGER
Hell-
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V.O
Not interested.
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Hangs up.
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ROGER
What!
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STEVEN
Who said this was going to be easy?
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ROGER
You did!
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STEVEN
Let’s try a different number.
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Steven skims back and forth through the phone book.
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STEVEN
This time put on your salesman pants, go in for the kill! Sell like you're Johnny Bravo, bro.
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ROGER
Johnny Bravo?
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STEVEN
Here, uh, try, um, this one.
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Roger dials...
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The phone rings…
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Someone answers...
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V.O
Hello?
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ROGER
(Johnny Bravo Impression)
Hey babeh.
(Salesman pants)
Would I be able to interest you in the trip of a lifetime? How does a week’s stay at the world famous Penguinpalooza Ice Hotel, sound? You would have to be clinically insane to pass on such great sites such as-
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V.O
(Frustrated)
Look, buddy. I told you. I’m not interested!
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Dial tone.
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ROGER
I give up. You try.
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Roger and Steven trade phone for cone.
Roger flips through the phone book, selects a number, and Steven dials…
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The phone rings...
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V.O.
(Angry)
Why won’t you people leave me alone?
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...
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STEVEN
Wait... I thought this was a different number...
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V.O.
It is. Now what do you want?
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STEVEN
Did I dial into a different universe?
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V.O.
Will you please take me off of your call list?
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STEVEN
This is freaking me out, man.
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V.O.
I already told your friend. I’m not interested in penguin ice-cubed trays.
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Steven inhales, puffing on the joint right besides the mouthpiece.
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COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! Steven coughs into the phone...
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STEVEN
You can’t bring ashtrays. Um. You have to smoke outside. Cause, a hotbox would melt the room. Its, like, scrulptured out of ice and stuff.
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V.O.
The room is?
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STEVEN
Uh, I think so.
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V.O.
That’s the single most extraordinary thing I’ve ever heard! Sold! Sold, good sir! I couldn’t care less about the cost!
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STEVEN
Dope. Roger, what’s the reservation access thingy again?
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Roger dozes off with the burning joint in hand. He slowly glances at his phone.
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ROGER
He actually wants it? Um… JF13PK69RS7
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Steven repeats the code as Roger reads it aloud.
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STEVEN
Sweet. You won’t regret this, sir!
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Steven hangs up.
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ROGER
That was amazing!
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STEVEN
Told ya it’d be a breeze!... But I’ve been thinking.
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ROGER
What’s up?
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Steven toys with a yo-yo.
STEVEN
What if instead of an IceHotel, we make a “HotBox” hotel. A place where smoke is pumped through the air vents at all times... As long as everyone pitches in!
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Roger scrolls on his phone.
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ROGER
Maybe we can use some of this extra money to get some building permits. Speaking of which, we should book the new room asap. Knowing our luck, it's going to sell out.
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STEVEN
This is gonna be so dope!
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ROGER
How much did we get?
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STEVEN
What?
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ROGER
For the room.
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STEVEN
Uh-
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ROGER
He did pay for the room, correct?
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STEVEN
Now that you mention it. I’m not too sure..
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ROGER
What the fuck? You gave him the access code without payment?
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STEVEN
Don’t blame me! I was in the heat of the moment. The thrill of the sale!
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ROGER
Yeah, but you forgot the most important part. The sale! What was their name?
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STEVEN
I don’t freaking know!
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ROGER
Call them back!
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STEVEN
What’s the number?
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ROGER
Redial!
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STEVEN
Gumby doesn’t have redial, man!
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The cone is roached. Roger and Steven stand speechless, both glaring at a closed phone book.
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ROGER
Dude.
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STEVEN
Dude…
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END
