“Danksgiving Haze”
(Version 2)
by Joe Fawley
Roger's Father is a clean cut man in his early 40's; dressed in a cardigan, reading glasses, and business casual slippers. He opens the front door to greet Steven and his Mother.
ROGER'S FATHER
Welcome to our humble abode!
STEVEN'S MOM
(Raspy smoker’s voice. Continuous.)
Thank you for having us.
ROGER'S FATHER
The pleasure is ours to cherish. Come on in, have a seat.
Steven, (a heavy set teenager, with styling hair even though he's wearing a hat, his attire lost in the 80's,) and his Mother, (an aged smoker, dressed in clothing found at a resale shop,) both join Roger and his Father at the dinner table. Roger and his Father are both half Japanese half African. Roger wears a pricey button up t-shirt with a pocket protector in the breast pocket; containing a pen, sci-fi swiss army knife, and a granola bar.
ROGER’S FATHER (CONT’D)
The dean of the school board should be arriving any minute!
STEVEN'S MOM
How exciting. You must be so proud.
ROGER'S FATHER
It’s not everyday your seventeen year old son receives the opportunity to win the 'Albert Einstein’s E Equals Outstanding Observation in Science and History Award.' Declaring my smart little noodle a certified genius in front of thousands, at none other than the relished, Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Roger awkwardly fidgets around.
ROGER
Ah, it's no big deal. Hell, a brain damaged chimp on mescaline could earn that award. We have this in the bag, right, Steven?.. As long as tonight's dinner goes smoothly, I mean.
STEVEN
(Slurring his words. Continuous)
Yeah- totallly Roger. What’s smartin'?
Roger suspiciously looks over to Steven.
ROGER
Recently, I've been keeping busy with a considerable amount of research on the contrasting life cycles of various plant species. Fascinating stuff... I can expla-
STEVEN
Booooooring. I thought I came here to help with some cool science shit. Like, making volcanoes erupt- or experiments of the unspeakable kind.
ROGER
Botany is science! Not to mention the basis of our project...
Roger whiffs the air, he becomes visibly agitated.
ROGER (CONT’D)
Speaking of which. Steven, would you please help me look over my notes?
​​
Roger pulls Steven into the other room. They whisper...
​​
ROGER (CONT’D)
Dude, you smell like you've boinked a skunk.
STEVEN
Yeah man. My mom is counting this school dinner thing as our Thanksgiving. I chonged so hard that the gods got a contact high.
ROGER
Have you lost your mind? Our parents are here! (Gasps) And the dean! If he finds out I consume cannabis; my reputation would be ruined! I’ll be blacklisted from the honor roll, which means no award... Which means no funding for our secret experiment.
STEVEN
Don't worry about it, dude. I'm all kinds of fucked up around adults every single day of my life. I call it being, “incog-blazed-o.” I'll preform some of my stand up material, they'll laugh, we'll eat. No one will be the wiser.
ROGER
You're right. If they’re too busy laughing they won’t have a chance to think about the possibility of anyone being stoned! (Beat.) Perhaps, if I act more blitzed than you, you’ll seem less high by comparison, bringing the situation to an unconventional equilibrium. A stoned person acting sober and a sober person acting stoned.
That evens things out right?
STEVEN
That logic sounds astute to me, man.
The doorbell rings...
​​
ROGER
The dean is here!.. Remember. Keep the diversions... er, jokes, coming.
​​
Roger and Steven join the Dean, Roger's Father, and Steven's Mother at a laid out dinner table. Their plates already made. The table has all the fixins, a buffet of scrumptious food. Including, but not limited to, blackened salmon atop pan-fried asparagus, a South African jollof rice medley, fried ramen with egg and juicy steak, buttery mashed potatoes, biscuits that are perfectly crispy on the outside yet soft on the inside. Lastly, the center piece. A glazed succulent turkey. And you better believe that glaze is glistening.
STEVEN'S MOM
I was just telling the story about the time Dixie the dog and I patched things up over a game of Wheel of Fortune.
ROGER'S FATHER
A riveting narrative. However, I'm sure the Dean is eager to hear about the project our boys have been working on.
DEAN
Roger is our top student. I expect to be nothing short of astonished. I believe he's a shoe-in to take home the award. Putting I.M. High School on the map!
ROGER'S FATHER
(Reverie)
And participate in the prestigious... Thanksgiving parade.
DEAN
Why, of course! Dr. Bann was explaining to me that you boys have found a way to cut the time of a plant's growth rate in nearly half! How do you plan to accomplish such a feat?
Roger poorly attempts to act intoxicated. Constantly changing how squinty his eyes appear.
ROGER
Uh, well, uh, our research took us in an unexpected direction. Like, wrap your heads around this. What if, for watering purposes... instead of pouring the water directly out of a bucket, we started drilling holes at the bottom of pre-filled buckets instead? ... Creating a more controlled pour.
STEVEN'S MOM
I may have to try that technique on the hydrangea garden with Dixie.
ROGER'S FATHER
Roger, what in heaven's name are you talking about?
ROGER
Uh, Steven actually made a great observation during the proceedings... Didn’t you?
Steven stares blankly.
ROGER (CONT’D)
Didn't it have something to do with filling the bucket with gravy then drilling it directly into my mouth?
ROGERS FATHER
What are you trying to say, Roger? Just tell the man about your invention!
DEAN
Invention? Paint me fascinated.
ROGER
It’s still in the developmental phase, but rest assured, a prototype will be ready in time for the science fair.
DEAN
Lovely.
ROGER
I have conducted plenteous tests, proving in theory, my hypothesis is-
Steven chuckles to himself for literally no reason.
​
The dean questionably glares at him.
ROGER (CONT’D)
(Squinting his eyes)
I mean, my ray gun is like, the fountain of youth for plants, maaaan.
DEAN
What inspired you to tackle a project that many believed to be inconceivable?
ROGER
Inspired?
Sweat pours down Roger's forehead. He glances over at Steven.
...
DEAN
To help end world hunger? A bold alternative to genetic modification on plants?
ROGER
Honestly, I kinda stumbled upon it while brain storming ideas for my friends business.
DEAN
Really? What kind of business?
ROGER
Uh...
Roger nudges Steven.
Steven doesn't react.
ROGER
Um, it was... his, uh, he sold plants.
DEAN
Ah, a horticulturist. What kind of plants did he sell?
ROGER
Not those! Just exotic flowers. I mean, it’s not like I was trying to help out a drug dealer in exchange for a discount on homegrown drugs if that's what you're trying to say.
​
Roger forces a chuckle.
ROGER’S FATHER
Cheese and crackers, Roger! I’d certainly hope not!
DEAN
I didn't know that we had shops like that around here. I garden myself.
ROGER’S FATHER
I’m sure he’ll be able to get you some of those rare seeds, if you’d like. Right, Roger?
DEAN
If it’s no trouble!
ROGER’S FATHER
None at all! After Roger's breakthrough, I’m sure his friend's business will bloom... It’s the least he can do.
ROGER
Yeah sure, the colors of these flowers are so vibrant. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. Especially when... Uh, Steven, weren't you going to try out some of your new material for our guest?
​​
Steven stares off blankly.
Roger coughs and forcefully nudges Steven.
Steven doesn't react.
Awkward silence.
The Dean looks over at Steven who's mouth hangs open while he stares off into space.
The Dean sits silently.
Roger fidgets around, looking for ANY distraction.
He snags the table salt and shakes it directly into his own eyes.
Roger bolts out of his chair, screaming in pain as he sprints towards the bathroom.
DEAN
I've seen this time and time again... A boy with that kind of intellect and stress level could really benefit from some medicinal marijuana... Who's rolling a blunt?
Steven excitedly snaps out of his stoned, "incog-blazed-o," trance...
STEVEN
So... What's the deal with all these “what's the deal” jokes?
​
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END
