Apollo's Powers
(Version 1)
by Joe Fawley
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Two young hippies, Homer and Apollo "god of the sun," sit stoned, ripped, twisted. Good people watching Saturday morning cartoons. Empty beer bottles and discarded fast food wrappers are scattered across the room.
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Apollo changes the channel.
"The Adventures of Chinchil-lad: I Was Non-Sexually Violated by a Radioactive Chinchilla" now plays.
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HOMER
You're joking, right?
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APOLLO
Dead serious.
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HOMER
Claiming to be the "god of the sun?” That's... kinda... fucked in the head.
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APOLLO
I didn't choose the god life, man. The god life chose me.
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HOMER
Prove it. Uh, Lift that shelf over there or something.
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APOLLO
No.
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HOMER
What? Why not?
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APOLLO
It’s against my religion.
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HOMER
Gods are religious?
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APOLLO
Only the more enlightened ones.
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HOMER
Hmph. Well you've gotta give me something. What would you use your powers for? To end world hunger?
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APOLLO
Naw.
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HOMER
To help a kitten out of a tree?
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APOLLO
Eh, what are my tax dollars paying for?
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HOMER
What about helping me out of a tree when I've had one too many?
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APOLLO
Certainly not… That sounds hilarious.
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Apollo sparks the joint.
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HOMER
It’s starting to sound more like you've taken one too many puffs on those marijuana cigarettes.
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APOLLO
Believe what you want, I am content with who I am. Makes no difference what you think.
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HOMER
I can respect that. Just as long as I don't end up with a bunch of dead bodies in the basement or something.
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APOLLO
(Muttering to himself.)
Actually, they're in the crawl space.
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HOMER
What!?
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APOLLO
Look, I know "technically" its my fault that your apartment imploded on itself. But if you aren't interested in stickin' around to enjoy my godly hospitality, then you can make like a hookers straw and get bent.
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HOMER
I'm not trying to be offensive. I really appreciate you letting me stay here. I'm just saying, if you really were the god of the sun, wouldn't we be doing something more eventful than, you know? Chugging beers and reading fast food menus as literature?
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APOLLO
Take it from me. Someone who's experienced every conceivable circumstance in our known existence. This, right here, is the pinnacle to what you mortals call the gift of life... Besides, how else can you explain the time I won 2nd place at the tri-county chess tournament?
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HOMER
Being good at chess gives you god credentials?
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APOLLO
You have to be godly to place let alone walk away with the silver.
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Homer glances around the room.
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HOMER
Where's the trophy?
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APOLLO
Broke it when I was trying to turn it into a bong- Luckily, I had better luck with this one.
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Apollo reveals a glowing apple that's been jury-rigged into a pipe.
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HOMER
Is that the apple of Eden?
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APOLLO
Sure.
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HOMER
Oh my god! Sorry, was that offensive? Wait. This is what you're willing to use your powers for? To craft a priceless artifact into a smoking device?
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APOLLO
Gotcha- This is just a normal, everyday, apple.
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Apollo takes a rip from the apple pipe.
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APOLLO
But I really am a god though.
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END
